It wasn't only Melissa's physical appearance that made Alison itch to hit her, her fingers twitching in anticipation of curling into a fist.
When Alison thought about it, some of Melissa's individual features weren't that bad, pale blonde hair, button nose, but her pale skin really did look like it had the consistency of lard; like you could poke a finger into it and leave a dent, greasily glistening at the edges.
No, it was the permanent air of martyrdom that really annoyed Alison, it was like everything was just too much trouble for her; how on earth can you deal with employees like that?
Melissa had pushed the pile of paperwork away from her again, sighing in a little-girl breathy way that she must think cute or something; and the height of the pile had not noticeably changed since the last time she'd done so.
Alison glanced at the clock, right on cue, almost exactly thirty minutes after her last fag break, Melissa said "Oh, I'm going cross-eyed looking at these invoices, I need a cigarette."
And she was; Alison hadn't really noticed Melissa's eyes until now, and now she wondered if each time Melissa made the same excuse, her eyes shifted that little bit more out of line until now it was discernable?
When describing characters, don't include yourself in the description. Constant referent to 'I' in addition to the existing 2 characters doesn't work well.
ReplyDeleteWow thanks Hasina - I have read this so many times & I didn't notice that at all! I'll have to think how to get around this! Good catch, much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a good character description: no clichés or endless amounts of meaningful input. You've stated descriptively what Alison thinks of Melissa and in a way that invites confrontation.
ReplyDeleteWell done.
Thanks Erin, I wanted to try to describe a bit about a persons character, and then a situation to illustrate some aspects of the character too.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping this works for the future blog posts too, and I will be trying to rein Alison back in until it's her turn ;)
I disagree with Hasina, Julia.
ReplyDeleteYou're setting up the character as how YOU emotionally react to her and you've done that well.
Quick thought; take a look at how you set up the male character with little emotional feed and the woman character with mostly all emotional feed.
The only picture I have of Loukas is he's average height and anal retentive.
i believe the characters. i personally learned much more about Alison than Melissa, as if Melissa were just the mirror. but i don't know that such detracts from the quality of the story any, didn't for me.
ReplyDeleteMelissa's character does gain a good deal of complexity, i thought, with the bit at the end. taking this irritating, lazy annoyance of a woman and adding that she really was going cross-eyed--it makes her sympathetic. maybe she's doing her best? maybe she doesn't know what trying is? maybe she's just pathetic? does that mean she should be punched any less?
keep up the good work!
I see you've edited this piece. It has a better flow to it. The description paints melissa alot better to the reader.
ReplyDeleteThere are afew things you can tweak in this piece.
I proof read and edit manuscripts, so if u want my professional take on this let me know. It may be abit intensive, but it'll draw your focus to what u need to change for more eloquent character descriptions. Well done:) practise does make perfect