21 November 2009

Serenity

Serene... Serenity... even the words themselves sounded nice. And to be serene was one of her early yearnings, to be aloof and calm, to somehow float above the experience of life, unruffled and tranquil. To be herself in a petty, irritating, immediate world, and for that self to be somehow clear and immutable. She supposed it started with not wanting to be upset, or hurt, or ignored. To be upset was to be ugly, to be distorted by feelings she had no control over. To show you were upset made it worse, people noticed, people commented, highlighting the difference between you and the self you wanted to be. Serenity seemed to be the opposite of the things she didn't like about herself. Building cold walls, a space that stopped people getting in as it prevented the ugly things getting out, an icy moat between her and the world. 'The Lady in The Lake' was an attractive meme on the face of it although none of the Arthurian tales she read ever explained why the lady was there and what she did, but perhaps that was the point. To be a character rather than a person.
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